Chariots of the Cops

Chariots of the Cops

          After watching the entire season 1 of Ancient Aliens (these were desperate times) I have decided to make my own ancient alien theory. Around 10 years back, the policemen stationed at the Victoria Memorial Grounds had to make their rounds on foot. Then, suddenly, in the last two years they have started making their rounds on these electrical vehicles that do not emit gases. Could mankind have advanced so far in the last ten years? Or is this the effect of an unknown extra-terrestrial force? Find out in this piece of Ancient Mouldy Waffles

Kolkata Police walking before the magic chariots

The Kolkata Police on one of their rounds on their eco-friendly vehicles.

Before we get into whether the vehicles used by the police are evidence of ET intervention or not, we must first take a look at chariots. Chariots are probably the earliest form of transportation invented by humans. How then did they suddenly gain the intelligence? Also could it be that the chariots themselves were not chariots but the same eco-friendly vehicles being used in Kolkata today? Around the year 264 BC, no cameras existed. Rome was the centre of the world, and would hold ‘gladiator fights’ on a regular basis. How do we still have a video of the same fights that took place then? (The video disk is called The Gladiator) And are the chariots in the video the same as the vehicles being used today? Answering the first question is easy. Aliens gave us the video in an attempt to help us understand how they have continued to assist our stupid un-evolved race flourish. As for the second question, a close up of one of the chariots reveals a propane gas tank, probably the same one used in the cars in the Victoria memorial.

The video was a little blurry, but if you look closely you can see a gas tank!

“It’s completely possible that aliens did in fact introduce the first gas operated car! In fact back then due to their limited vocabulary, they would have depicted the same car as the chariot. Also given how their brains were slow they would have seen the chariot as much faster than it actually was, which explains the speed of the chariots in the ancient films found compared to the relatively slow cars at the Victoria Memorial. The gas tank seen on the chariot would also account for the smoke-free ride”, says Giorgio A. Tsoukalos an expert on alien theories. “It also makes sense logically. Kolkata is overpopulated, and impoverished, do you really think the government would spend more money so patrolmen that stop couples from making out can breathe, and move around easily?” he asked excitedly. Could it really be that Aliens are the source of the slow automobiles in Victoria Memorials? Or could it be that humans are smart enough to invent a simple gadget on their own? Only time will tell!

Giorgio explaining this theory!

PS- This is just a joke, I actually find alien theories quite compelling, and you never now they might be true!

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

What, you ask, in God's name, is ADHD? 

Well, you know how James Bond had a license to kill? In the same way, ADHD, awards the sufferer the ultimate gift.

The gift to be legally random.

When I say legally random, it kind of reminds you of Legally Blonde, doesn't it? Reese Witherspoon, with her Chihuahua, pretending to be a rich, perky, lawyer?

Not that I'd ever watch chick-flicks. I mean, thats girly bullshit. I drown kittens in my free time.

..Anyway, back to the point.

Have you ever noticed the kid, at the back of you class, who always looks like he needs to pee? Mostly likely, he does. But sometimes, he might also suffer from ADHD, that causes his lack of focus, or occasionally, the ability of control his bladder.

These kids, are also the kind who will CONSTANTLY try to ask out the hottest girl in the class. Yes, that girl, who spends all her life, in a tanning salon, to attain the perfect carrot complexion. 

Just FYI, girls, if your skin-tone reminds a person about the time his cousin ate a whole bag of carrots, then barfed the carrots, which then, the fucking dog ate and barfed into your fucking lap, it is NOT a good thing.

DAMMIT. I got off-track, again. I do this a lot. 

NO. I do not have ADHD. I have the curse of superior intellect. For example, one minute I'm like Come on, brain! Focus on getting off at the correct stop! and my brain like, BWAHAHAHAHA NO IMMA STARE AT CREEPY GUY LISTENING TO SELENA GOMEZ, then it goes on the singing some rock song, and before I know it, I've missed my stop.

Fucking hell, I got off track again. 

Fuck you, superior intellect. Fuck you.

Aaaaanyway. The lack of attention may also cause one to constantly switch from one topic, to another. The sufferers may get bored of talking about the same thing for too long, which may, occasionally, and especially if you're a guy, cause your girlfriend to stomp your feet, pour the coke down your pants, and walk out the movie theater. 

It may also give her an excuse to bitch about why you weren't listening to her crying about the last thing her now dead grandmum said to her. For the next few life times.

I might have gotten off track again. The stupid doctor says that I too am a victim of the horrifying disease.

But what does she know? She wears the same clothes everyday and her hair smells like sanitizers. 

Where was I going with this?

I don't even know.

Why Waffles are Better Than Pancakes!

Why Waffles are Better than Pancakes?

Ewwwww... they look yuck!

Yumm!!! So crispy!

 Waffles will always be better than pancakes. To begin with, if you've been watching Dexter, what he says about waffles and pancakes isn't true. When asked by Astor and Cody about the difference between Waffles and Pancakes, he replies, “A waffle is a lot like a pancake, only square” he replies. When asked to elaborate, he explains that the waffle was invented by Simon P. Waffle, who liked to stack his waffles, and therefore made them square. This is NOT TRUE! Dexter LIED! Firstly, there are many waffles that are not square! As I write this article I am eating a round chocolate chip waffle covered in Nuttella. Waffles also have little square cells on them, and sound so much better than ‘pancakes’ ughh.

Dexter: Deb, I lied about the pancakes.
Deb: What the fuck, Dex?

          Now let’s explore the differences. Waffles taste exactly like pancakes do, except for the fact that they are a lot lighter than pancakes! Waffles are light and crispy (if you toast them) and are thus easier to chew your way through (if you’ve just woken up) as well as more enjoyable to eat. Waffles can be eaten with anything (Nutella, syrup, bananas, strawberry flavouring) while traditionally, pancakes are usually served with just syrup or bananas.

          Given the lack of any substantial differences, the question arises- is one really better than the other? Well let me put it this way. Let us consider you have waffle/pancake batter (the recipes for both are the same, with the difference being in the iron used to cook them in) Would you rather enjoy the light almost  wafer like taste of waffles? Or would you prefer the soggy, heavy pancakes? Would you rather say the word ‘waffles’? Or sound like an old maid and say ‘pancake’? 

This is what people look like when they say 'pancakes'

Please comment below and tell us what you like better : waffles or pancakes! Sincerely, Waffles!

The Assholes in my Life

The Assholes in my Life…

Before reading this, I request you to close your eyes, and picture the biggest asshole you know. A name, or an ugly face pop up yet? This will help put this story into perspective, and hopefully drive away any feelings of sympathy that you might feel for the people being talked about. Before anything, I would like to share a statistic with you. A survey done by Waffles and Pancakes revealed that almost everyone has more than one asshole. One of them is a hole between your buttocks (in case you didn’t notice yet) and its primary function is to help you excrete. Other functions could include enhancing sexual activity. (If you are a homosexual man or a broad minded woman) The other assholes in your life are usually people (unless you’re an alien that needs ten asses and therefore ten assholes!). What people don’t realize is that assholes are actually good for your life. The more assholes you have, the better your life will be. For starters you would feel like this:

Having a set of friends that are assholes works wonders for your self esteem. In fact, further research has shown that most teenagers have several types of assholes as friends. This enables them to choose the right asshole for the right occasion. Personally, I have 6 types of assholes in my life. Hopefully, after reading this article, you will be able to weigh the pros, and the cons of the assholes in your life effectively, and use them as efficiently as I have been able to.

The Pseudo-intellectual Asshole: The pseudo-intellectual asshole is perhaps one of the deadliest ones. They are a cancer to society. They use quotes when they don’t have any context, often contradict themselves and their own beliefs, and use words they do not understand. These assholes usually believe that Eminem is a poet, and that saying words like ‘swag’ and ‘niggah’ are actually cool, and very intellectual too. The only pro of having an asshole like this around is that it makes you look like Voltaire, or any other enlightened scholar from the renaissance. Tarzan looks like the Duke of Wellington when these assholes are around.

The Embarrassing Asshole: This type of asshole is usually recognized as an asshole by most of the people he meets, and is an outcast which is unusual, because usually assholes of a feather flock together. (Forgive the cliché) The reason is simple. This asshole thrives on making fun of everyone and every fucking thing in the world. Be it your race to the lunch you eat. He will embarrass you at the worst times possible. Why keep this person in your life then? Well if you need him to make fun of other assholes in you meet everyday, given his lack in life, he will do a way better job than anyone else.

 The parasite: They say a friend in need is a friend indeed. Well this asshole is a good friend in the sense that he’s always in need of something. A pack of cigarettes, food, money, these are all problems he comes to you with, at the time of the month you get paid. At least this type of asshole is thoughtful enough not to bother you (or even be bothered by you) until the time of the month you get your salary. The great part about this asshole- if he’s desperate enough you could use him as a pawn. The bad part- you might as well get a girlfriend- its less maintenance.

The Cocky Asshole: All assholes are a little deluded, but this one is by far the most confused asshole ever. This type of asshole actually believes that he can do no wrong, and that he is the best at what he does. One of the ways this kind of asshole comes to that conclusion is through his belief that God made him special, and that he is the messiah that will ultimately defend the earth from a million asteroids using a light saber!  If this asshole sings, he believes he is better than Freddie Mercury. If he happens to play mini-golf at a picnic, he believes he is good enough to coach Tiger Woods, and so on. Oh did I also mention he thinks everyone loves him and appreciates his lack of modesty?

The Old Flame: Usually one of the worst kind of assholes, old flames are usually jealous, spiteful and in some cases violent. One of my ex girlfriends actually pitted me against my friend successfully, and turned us against each other. Guess we know where the saying “Bro’s before whore’s” comes from! The worst part about old lovers are that they still try and control your life through discreet manipulation and mutual friends so if you have one of these people in your life, save up enough money to buy a flight to the moon, and even then you may not be safe!

The Womaniser: Well womaniser is actually a wrong word for this kind of an asshole. It’s more of a word he would describe himself as, for lack of a better word. ‘Desperate loser’ is closer to the mark. This kind of an asshole will try and hump anything without a dick, and will make you look like an asshole too. He never backs down where there is a possibility of getting laid, and jacks off at least 7 times a day. Never let this asshole near females you care about.

So know any assholes that belong to any of these categories? Or do have your own separate category? Leave a comment below and tell us your thoughts! Greetings! The Waffle! (Of waffles and pancakes)

Apply to be a UGW...

I started this article, wondering what I should write on.

Then it hit me. What is the one thing half the world loves?

That’s right. Bad grammar.

So, think YOU’RE the Ultimate Grammar Whore (UGW)? Or, maybe, you WANT to be one!

Well then, have no fear! Let Waffles and Pancakes help you!

A popular UGW belief

Now, being a UGW is no small feat. It takes years of patience, to master the art of ruining sentences, punctuations, idioms, and changing the laws of tenses altogether!

The title cannot just be bestowed on anyone. No amount of education, private schooling, strict teachers and books can guarantee you this position.

WE, are currently catering to the needs of 6,549,865,764 UGWs, and not one of our customers, has a single complaint! :D

How does one BECOME a UGW, you ask?

Well, to be a textbook UGW one needs to have a degree in the lifelong abuse of the English language, and the ability to NEVER, EVER spelling “pneumonia” without the help of auto correct.

However, if the crime is serious, and pathetic enough, we may be able to promote you right up. Your errors would be overviewed by the Board of Grammar Whore. But with our help, you’re a shoo in! ;)

To train to become a UGW, you must,

·         You must, at all times, make use of words such as, “YOLO”, “Swag” and always, ALWAYS quote Cristiano Ronaldo.

·         Talk like a black man.

·         Never, ever spell full words. “No whum sayin?”

·         Even if the word is as small as “and”, ruin it by abbreviating it to just “n”.

·         Live by the code of txt messaging.

Cristiano Ronaldo: one of the UGW's most popular role models

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