The Assholes in my Life

The Assholes in my Life…

Before reading this, I request you to close your eyes, and picture the biggest asshole you know. A name, or an ugly face pop up yet? This will help put this story into perspective, and hopefully drive away any feelings of sympathy that you might feel for the people being talked about. Before anything, I would like to share a statistic with you. A survey done by Waffles and Pancakes revealed that almost everyone has more than one asshole. One of them is a hole between your buttocks (in case you didn’t notice yet) and its primary function is to help you excrete. Other functions could include enhancing sexual activity. (If you are a homosexual man or a broad minded woman) The other assholes in your life are usually people (unless you’re an alien that needs ten asses and therefore ten assholes!). What people don’t realize is that assholes are actually good for your life. The more assholes you have, the better your life will be. For starters you would feel like this:

Having a set of friends that are assholes works wonders for your self esteem. In fact, further research has shown that most teenagers have several types of assholes as friends. This enables them to choose the right asshole for the right occasion. Personally, I have 6 types of assholes in my life. Hopefully, after reading this article, you will be able to weigh the pros, and the cons of the assholes in your life effectively, and use them as efficiently as I have been able to.

The Pseudo-intellectual Asshole: The pseudo-intellectual asshole is perhaps one of the deadliest ones. They are a cancer to society. They use quotes when they don’t have any context, often contradict themselves and their own beliefs, and use words they do not understand. These assholes usually believe that Eminem is a poet, and that saying words like ‘swag’ and ‘niggah’ are actually cool, and very intellectual too. The only pro of having an asshole like this around is that it makes you look like Voltaire, or any other enlightened scholar from the renaissance. Tarzan looks like the Duke of Wellington when these assholes are around.

The Embarrassing Asshole: This type of asshole is usually recognized as an asshole by most of the people he meets, and is an outcast which is unusual, because usually assholes of a feather flock together. (Forgive the cliché) The reason is simple. This asshole thrives on making fun of everyone and every fucking thing in the world. Be it your race to the lunch you eat. He will embarrass you at the worst times possible. Why keep this person in your life then? Well if you need him to make fun of other assholes in you meet everyday, given his lack in life, he will do a way better job than anyone else.

 The parasite: They say a friend in need is a friend indeed. Well this asshole is a good friend in the sense that he’s always in need of something. A pack of cigarettes, food, money, these are all problems he comes to you with, at the time of the month you get paid. At least this type of asshole is thoughtful enough not to bother you (or even be bothered by you) until the time of the month you get your salary. The great part about this asshole- if he’s desperate enough you could use him as a pawn. The bad part- you might as well get a girlfriend- its less maintenance.

The Cocky Asshole: All assholes are a little deluded, but this one is by far the most confused asshole ever. This type of asshole actually believes that he can do no wrong, and that he is the best at what he does. One of the ways this kind of asshole comes to that conclusion is through his belief that God made him special, and that he is the messiah that will ultimately defend the earth from a million asteroids using a light saber!  If this asshole sings, he believes he is better than Freddie Mercury. If he happens to play mini-golf at a picnic, he believes he is good enough to coach Tiger Woods, and so on. Oh did I also mention he thinks everyone loves him and appreciates his lack of modesty?

The Old Flame: Usually one of the worst kind of assholes, old flames are usually jealous, spiteful and in some cases violent. One of my ex girlfriends actually pitted me against my friend successfully, and turned us against each other. Guess we know where the saying “Bro’s before whore’s” comes from! The worst part about old lovers are that they still try and control your life through discreet manipulation and mutual friends so if you have one of these people in your life, save up enough money to buy a flight to the moon, and even then you may not be safe!

The Womaniser: Well womaniser is actually a wrong word for this kind of an asshole. It’s more of a word he would describe himself as, for lack of a better word. ‘Desperate loser’ is closer to the mark. This kind of an asshole will try and hump anything without a dick, and will make you look like an asshole too. He never backs down where there is a possibility of getting laid, and jacks off at least 7 times a day. Never let this asshole near females you care about.

So know any assholes that belong to any of these categories? Or do have your own separate category? Leave a comment below and tell us your thoughts! Greetings! The Waffle! (Of waffles and pancakes)